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Feb. 11th, 2014

Sakura

You're just like your father

Existe um animal se alimentando de mim
Ela come meu tempo
Mastiga meus nervos
Engole meu controle
Regurgita me sono
Digere minha paz
Sem solenidade, sem me deixar nenhuma dignidade
Ela arranca meus cabelos, transformando meus sonhos em pesadelos
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Jan. 29th, 2014

me

It takes time in the morning for me to become George

A tristeza afogada em neblina,
considera-se clínica
As bocas se mexem, mas não existe som
Mesmo sem fazer nada, só existe a exaustão
Tudo é terrivelmente longo e,
ainda assim, nada acaba
Adormecer nunca fora tão trabalhoso,
e acordar sempre tão penoso


[The title is a line from the movie A Single Man
O título é uma citação do filme A Single Man]
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Jan. 22nd, 2014

me

A menina com um buraco na cabeça

Uma noite se deu conta antes de dormir. Tinha um buraco no cérebro. Na neblina do sono, na ansiedade das cobertas reviradas, não parecia tão estranho. A não ser por nunca ter esbarrado nele antes. Será que era novo? Afinal, já havia feito tantas andanças por essas sinapses, se houvesse um buraco teria percebido antes. Certo? Ele parecia tão sólido quanto à parede ao seu lado e era da cor preta. De um preto tão inescrutável, relativamente assustador, mas curioso o suficiente para você querer tocar e foi assim que descobriu que era oco – e, daí, o chamou de buraco. Esfera seria um nome mais adequado, mas ninguém pensa de forma apropriada depois das três da manhã. Deve ser por isso que as madrugadas são tão interessantes. Voltando ao buraco, ela deu a volta nele. Não havia entrada. Por que não tinha entrada? Deveria ter alguma entrada? Não sabia, nunca havia tido um buraco no cérebro antes. Será que isso era comum? E ai, sem mais nem menos, dormiu.
Acordou. Café. Banheiro. Café. Gente, amigos, pessoas, namorado. Internet. Sair de casa. Ser legal, ser bonita, ser inteligente, ser inteligente, ser interessante. Comer. Estudar. Entender. Ler. Trabalhar. Ver. Entender. Descansar? Fazer. Deitar. Dormir... Ser, existir. Enquanto percebia que o que mais fazia era esquecer-se de existir, esbarrou no buraco. Havia também esquecido dele. Passou mais tempo o examinando, podia sentir suas bordas. Ficou pensando por que a existência de um buraco e tentando medir seu tamanho. Como se desse para medir coisas dentro do cérebro. Como se desse para ter um buraco no cérebro. Dormiu. O dia seguiu numa sucessão de verbos e só se lembrou do buraco até que se deitou.
Diversos dias se passaram assim, até que se lembrou do buraco no meio do dia. E à luz do dia tudo fica mais palpável, com mais forma. Mais assustador, menos misterioso. Depois disso não esquecia mais dele, e ele sempre permanecia lá, fiel. Como uma constante que te dá chão, respaldo para a realidade. E quando tudo mais enlouquecia, ia para o lado do buraco. Pensou em pesquisar sobre buracos no cérebro, mas ficou com medo das imagens que poderiam surgir. Resolveu ir a um médico.
Foram experiências bem interessantes, dariam um conto. O primeiro para quem contou sua história a indicou um psiquiatra. O segundo também, o que a levou a tentar algo diferente com o terceiro. Disse que sofria de terríveis dores de cabeça e que não queria mais ficar tomando remédios aleatórios, tinha medo de ser algo sério. Bingo! Ele lhe passou exames. Resultados: não havia nada de errado com seu cérebro. Nada visivelmente errado. Ganhou uma nova indicação ao psiquiatra e a um psicólogo. Que mal fazia tentar? A angústia da incerteza a estava consumindo, e o buraco não mais parecia convidativo.
A psicóloga falou sobre uma ausência na sua infância, e a psiquiatra sobre uma nova droga. Não e não. Por quê? Não sabia, mas tinha certeza que essas não eram as respostas. Maldita angústia, maldita hora que percebeu essa porra desse buraco! Buscou outas soluções, outros tipos de medicina. Yoga, meditação, acupuntura. Nada explicava, nada resolvia, nada o extinguia. Até religião tentou, e se esgotou rápido dela. Ideias pareciam legais, dogmas concretos demais. Decidiu ignorar o buraco e retornar a sua sucessão de verbos. Havia paz na sua rotina. Mas, as vezes, antes de dormir pensava em por que um buraco, um vazio? Tempo se passou e o terror também. Não se esquecia dele, mas também não insistia. Até que outros verbos passaram a surgir em seu dia-a-dia. Ser. Pensar. Existir. Só... ser. Pouco a pouco, esses verbos a puxaram para perto do buraco e ela percebeu que ele não era tão mais negro, se tornando cada vez mais translucido, como uma bola de sabão. Sentiu vontade de tocar suas bordas e entrou nele. Não era vazio. Era cheio e inundado dela mesma com uma paz que só existir traz (então aquilo era segurança). Ela nadou por mares de si mesma que não conhecia nem reconhecia, e parecia bem mais imenso do que aquele buraco prometia.
Até que transbordou para todo seu ser e sendo muito – daquele muito que se quer mais, e espaço, então se faz – passou a sair pela ponta de uma caneta.
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Sakura

Poesia?

De poetisa nada tenho
e versos não consigo tecer
E tudo que escrevo
soa terrivelmente clichê
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Jan. 18th, 2014

me

Barafundle Bay

Existe dualidade em tudo
embaixo do sol
Não seria diferente com
algo tão magnífico quanto o mar

Se me envolve em paz
e revigora meu espírito,
tão facilmente consome meu ar
transformando-o em desespero

E mesmo os pulmões
transbordando em água salgada
deixam-me em dúvida, atordoada,
é vida que traz ou é morte que leva?

[Title inspired by the movie Third Star
Título inspirado pelo filme Third Star]
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Jan. 15th, 2014

me

♪ Ever considered the sea? I heard you had to be strong... ♪

On this bed, adrift
wandering on the middle of an ocean
In a turmoil, my feelings shift
while my body awaits for motion

Choices that need to be made,
endless pain that won't go away,
afraid the waters will invade.
Will I be forever astray?

Their willing ignorance, my sorrow
Yet, my greatest sin, to believe me above them
Lost in this sea, I wonder
will I ever reach the shore?

[Título retirado da música "My Friends" (Laura Marling)
Title from the music "My Friends" (Laura Marling)]
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Dec. 10th, 2013

me

♪ And I would put them back in poetry, if I only knew how ♪

Pessoa perdida, desalentada
buscando conforto para a alma e para os sentidos

No fundo, me sinto em paz,
envolvida pelo silêncio
A água gelada desanuvia a mente,
aflora os sentidos
Leveza
A respiração, inexistente, é fácil aqui embaixo

[Título retirado da música "All This And Heaven Too" (Florence and The Machine)]
[Title from the music
"All This And Heaven Too" (Florence and The Machine)]
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Dec. 7th, 2013

me

Assignment

“Of course it is happening inside your head… but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
Albus Dumbledore

            She was walking numbness through a street...not a street actually, it looked more like a square..
‘Where the hell am I?.....Well, at least I’m not naked...still in my pajamas, but that’s better than naked’...It was in the late afternoom, she could tell, because the lights of ‘wherever she was’ were lighting up.There were people around, but they didn’t seem to notice her.
            ‘I recognize this place...It looks like...’ To tell the truth she was feeling silly of saying what she was thinking. God knows it’d be impossible for her to be where she thought she was.
            She continued her walk and the more she walked more she found herself lost in history and feeling slightly silly.Was her imaginaton or she was now in front of the statue of Marcus Aurelius?
            “Hey!You are Miss Bennet, aren’t you?”
            She looked back and saw a purple haired girl looking at her waiting for an answer.
            “Ye...ah..yes, that..that’s me” ‘Oh, just great, she is stammerer’
          “Ok then” the girl said slowly “Nice to meet you.I’ll be your guide.Hurry up, we have lots to see and we have only a week”
          She felt completely lost “Where exactly are we?”
          ‘Does she have a memory problem or something?’ the girl sighed ‘Remember: Be nice or you’re on the street’ “What do you mean ‘where are we?’. In the Eternal City, of course”
          She was sure she didn’t get that one right “Ahh.. What?”
          “Sometimes I hate tourist, they don’t know the first thing about the city..” the girl muttered in an undertone thinking Miss Bennet wouldn’t catch “Rome, we are in Rome”
            The information took a minute or two to sink in ‘Now I know I’ve gone mad’ “Ok, it’s impossible for a person to be in two places at the same time” she was saying gesturing hard “I mean that’s what Physics says, and that kinda thing usually isn’t wrong, so I can’t be anywhere else than my bed since I’ve just lain down, especially at the Eternal City.Oh, and just for the record I know what that means!”
          ‘She’s nuts!’ “Wow!Hey, girl chill out!You are in Rome, ok?We’re in front of Marcus Aurelius.” The other girl was about to say something “Don’t interrupt, I know you know!As I was saying, we’re in front of Marcus Aurelius like you agreed with my boss on the phone two weeks ago.I get you’re feeling a little bit lost, but don’t panic. I’m here to help you.”
            “You don’t get...I don’t remember talking with your boss on the phone at all!”
            “Maybe it’s because of the traveling..was it the first time you traveled on a plane?”
            “I...I what?!Me on a plane?” Her eyes went wide.
            “Dear Lord, we are gonna be in this all day, aren’t we?”
            “I’m sorry, ok!My head is spinning and this is impossible and..it looks like a dream...”
            “Perfect!That’s what you should do!Pretend it’s a dream, and everything will be alright” ‘I’m suggesting guiding a girl that’ll pretend this’s a dream...who’s the nuts now?’
            “That’s the craziest idea I’ve ever heard” she sighed in disbelief thinking what she was about to say “but I think it’ll work until I wake up...the only problem is that I’m still in my..”
            As she looked down she saw she was no longer in her pajamas.Instead she was wearing her favorite jeans and the beautiful blouse she’d bought last week.And, of course, she was also carryng a bag, which she imagined would have everything she needed. ‘Isn’t it the perfect dream?....Oh, I give up, now I’m just going with the flow’
            “Now what’s the problem?” Her voice was tired
            “Nothing, just...let it go”
            “Great!We have a deal then.Oh, but keep it between us, ok?I think most people don’t take it very well traveling through dreams”
            “Ok.”
            “Oh, by the way, I’m Hannah Cooper” the girl reached her hand.
            “Niobe Bennet” The other one took her hand in hers.
            “Oh, I’m sorry about the tourist thing..” she gave a smirk “You were very annoyed by my comment, so I assume that you do know something about Rome, right?”
            “A couple of things..”
            “Let’s do the following: I’ll guide you like I’d do to anyone and if I’m talking too much and saying things you already know, tell me, ok?”
            “Ok”
            “We aren’t gonna be able to see much today, it’s getting dark but we still have a full week...So, as you can see we are in the Capitoline Square (Praça do Capitólio). In 1536 the Pope Paul III handed the Square to Michelangelo.His work was to draw the new structure and rebuild it.Later, the work passed to Jaime Della Porta and Jerónimo Rainaldi since the first one had died. Before the rebuilding the Square was used as a prision during the Middle Ages.” the girl stoped “By the look on your face you already know this”
            Niobe felt a little uneasy “Sorry, I don’t wanna sound snobbish or something like it, but yes, I do. I’m interested in Rome so  I’ve read about it”
            “But you haven’t seen it, right?”
            She smiled “No, I haven’t”
            “Ok, I’ll show you Rome then” and so she did.
            Niobe looked marveled to the Capitoline Square, with its 50 meters and the three palaces surrounding it: on her left the Conservatives Palace (Palácio dos Conservadores), and on her right, the New Palace (Palácio Novo) and in front of her the Senators Palace (Palácio dos Senadores). From where she stood she could also catch a glance of the Cordonata, the famous staircase, and the Miliarium, the start point of the Consular Roads.
            Hannah showed her the subterraneous passage that exists between the Conservatives’s Palace and the Senators Palace  which leads to the subsoil of the last one.There they could see ‘the most spectacular view of the Roman Forum’ as was said by Hannah.They also visited the Capitoline’s Museum that stays in the
Conservatives Palace and in the New Palace, where they saw the real statue of Marcus Aurelius. There was a gift shop at the Museum and Niobe bought a necklace that had a drawing of The Colosseum with a phrase on the back: “I’ve been to Rome”.
            The girl was fascinated by the view of Vatican City from the coffee’s terrace in the Capitoline’s Museum.And, out side of the center of the Square, they saw the wolf  with the twins Romulus and Remus, who, according to the legend, founded the city.
            Hannah made the terrible mistake of telling her partner that there was a street that’d lead them to The Colosseum across the ruins of the Roman Forum. Niobe insisted they should at least take a look and promised that it’d be the last thing they would visit.When they got there Niobe concluded that looking at that huge monument in books wasn’t even one percent exciting as it was to really look at it (as one would guess).
          As promised, that was the last pleace visited and Hannah drove Niobe to the hotel, while informed the girl of her plans for the following week and details about the monuments they’d seen that day that only someone who had studied them for years would know.
             When which one reached their rooms they were exhausted.Hannah slept the moment she put her head on the pillow; Niobe, on the other hand, fought against her sleep ‘Because if I’m really dreaming’ she thought ‘maybe it means if I sleep I’ll be back to reality’.And right now that was the last thing she wanted.
***

            “Niobe, wake up!”
            “Ah...what?” it took at least one minute until the girl was able to speak “It’s too soon, you said we’re gonna leave by 10 o’clock” she said feeling a bit dizzy.
            “What are you talking about?”
            She opened her eyes and look at her wristwatch “It’s only 6 o’clock!”
          “I know!And you have classes to attend!”
          Her eyes went wide as she sat in her bed and almost yelled “What?”
          “Class!You know?Learning and that kinda thing...”
          “Oh... college, right...” ‘Back to reality’ She couldn’t believe in how disappointed she was feeling. Unwillingly, she got out of her bed and walked to the bathroom.As she looked in the mirror and tried to remember what day was and what subjects she had on that day she saw a silver thing glowing in her neck. With an incredulity look on her face she took off the necklace and stared at it with a dropped jaw.
          “If the necklace is here it means that...it was for real” She slowly admitted it to herself, knowing that this was the craziest idea she’d ever heard, because by logic it’d be impossible, but she was so excited with the sight of the necklace that she didn’t care for logic and the only thing on her mind in that moment was something that Hannah had said but we still have a full week...’.
          ‘A full week!!Maybe tonight I’ll see the Trevi Fountain, the St. Peter's Basilica...’
            Happier than ever she started to think of the places she’d want to go first while she got into the shower, holping the day would pass faster than it normaly did.

[2007]
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Dec. 6th, 2013

me

flowers by the window

I was trying to write you something
and nothing came out

If I'm already shy when talking,
writing is all I have left
E se as palavras me faltam para a fala e para a escrita, o que me resta?
I can't draw, I can't sing
I can only feel e não acho um jeito de externalizar
Nem por uma língua meus pensamentos se decidem
E nenhuma das línguas eu domino bem

I miss you, I love you, I hope to see you soon

[Written for my friend, Patricia.
Escrito para minha amiga, Patrícia]
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Feb. 24th, 2013

Coffee

Person of Interest and The Following

Addiction is a serious thing.

It makes you go from being completely up to date with college, work, life to this person who has a test on thrusday and doesn't give a fuck about it, because all she wants to do is watch Person of Interest.

Who wouldn't? Interesting characters, emotional moments (few, very few), it's fun and funny, great plot, great actors (Michael Emerson, I've missed you so much!), ust, so many good ships - but I'm sticking with Rinch ^^

On another note, that is also The Following - heartbreaing, what-the-fuck-moments, Kevin Bacon let me love you, James Purefoy let me fuck you, great acting, amazing plot.

No studying for me, that's it.

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